Change happens~  all the time.  I am learning to live with change. 

I have found someone very special.  I truly believe that he is "him".  All my life I have searched for "him".  I am nervous.  I dont do relationships.  I sabatoge relationships; cuz dont ya know i always fuck them up.  I got honest about that with him. I told him all about my past relationships and how I feel responsible for there failures; and ultimately that they are my failures. 

He accepts me as I am; and he told me he loves me AS I AM.    Hello, do not wake me if I am dreaming. 

Reality is this... I am going for this 1000%.  I have nothing to tie me to my home town.  I can visit and call whenever I want.  Flagging is not a career.  I llive paycheck to paycheck and I am sick of it. 

So I am going to walk through my fear and meet it head on; and have a life with "him".  He wants forever, so do I.    I deserve this. 

Memorial Day 2009

by The Oregonian Editorial Board

Sunday May 24, 2009, 10:10 PM

"The 30th day of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet church-yard in the land," wrote Gen. John Logan, commander of the veterans group the Grand Army of the Republic. "We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance ...Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic."

Death seared itself into national prominence in the Civil War. The very multitude of fallen soldiers, the inconsistent way the bodies were treated, the sheer number of intimate mysteries as families tried to find out what had happened to a missing son or brother after he left to join the war -- it all created a sort of moral crisis for the new union.

This time of beginning to reckon with the dead, to count them, to notify families and to find ways to honor the dead is superbly described in Drew Gilpin Faust's "This Republic of Suffering." She describes the task given in the summer of 1865 to Captain James Moore, who was ordered to the battlefields of Spotsylvania and the Wilderness in an effort to identify, inter and mark the graves of the dead. What he found were "hundreds of unmarked graves," as well as unburied skeletons from which identity had been stripped by the effects of weather and predation.

The magnitude of the loss and the immediate amnesia about who the fallen soldiers were assaulted the conscience. As Emily Dickinson wrote, "It feels a shame to alive, when Men so brave are dead."

As the Civil War generation aged and died and new wars consumed the national consciousness, Decoration Day became Memorial Day and jumped around a bit on the calendar, the better to accommodate long weekends of spring weather. During the periods of relative calm, such as the post-Vietnam era, it seemed to recede in the national consciousness. Now, eight years into a war in Afghanistan and six years into one in Iraq, it has blossomed again into a day freighted in significance.

Today's solemn ceremonies, with their folded flags, volleys of rifle fire, bagpipes and bugles, reflect a nation's long acquaintance with war and its acknowledgment of those who fight it. Military death today is no afterthought, as it was when the Civil War began. Today, honoring the dead of war is an event swathed in appreciation, as well as sorrow.

Sadly, over the last eight years, it has penetrated more deeply again into American life. In a state like Oregon, where active-duty servicepersons and soldiers of the National Guard have deployed repeatedly to Iraq and Afghanistan, the bodies are lying again in many a scattered "city, village, and hamlet churchyard." Memorial Day is in ascendance again, as it touches more and more Americans every year.

Also, if there is another film expect Paul Walker and director Justin Lin to lobby for the return of "2 Fast 2 Furious'" Tyrese Gibson.  Both men were disappointed their efforts to include him in the latest picture didn't work out.

Diesel isn't guaranteeing a fifth flick will occur after being burnt so many times on his long in the works "Hannibal" epic, but says he's always thinking a few pictures at a time with any franchise he's part of.

"You remember with 'Chronicles of Riddick' I wanted to do three films at a time," Diesel says. " I'm ambitious like that.  I try to work out stories in service of what I was talking about and in the way I approach sequels -- in that Coppola way. I try to think out the story even before we go to shoot the film that's at hand. So, yes I had been thinking about it. I actually thought of shooting both of the movies back-to-back with Universal with the president of Universal and he was like, 'What? We're just getting our feet back together.'"

1. Vin Diesel was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
2. Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
3. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Vin Diesel is on.
4. Along with his black belt, Vin Diesel often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
5. A man once claimed Vin Diesel kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
6. As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Vin Diesel.”
7. Vin Diesel’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Vin Diesel.
8. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Vin Diesel that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
9. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Vin Diesel.
10. Vin Diesel was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
11. Vin Diesel’s blood type is WD-40.
12. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Vin Diesel is worth 1 billion words.
13. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Vin Diesel while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
14. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Vin Diesel, 3. Cancer
15. Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Vin Diesel always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
16. For undercover police work, Vin Diesel pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
17. Vin Diesel was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
18. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Vin Diesel to go around.
19. Vin Diesel’s dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Vin Diesel will not take crap from anyone.
20. Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares.
21. Google won’t search for Vin Diesel because it knows you don’t find Vin Diesel, he finds you.
22. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Vin Diesel’s first visit to Tokyo.
23. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Vin Diesel will beat his ass and take it.
24. Guns don’t kill people. Vin Diesel kills People.
25. Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Vin Diesel.
26. Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
27. Vin Diesel’s family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can’t see what’s in them.
28. Crop circles are Vin Diesel’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
29. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Vin Diesel”
30. If you Google search “Vin Diesel getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
31. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Vin Diesel would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
32. If at first you don’t succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.
33. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Vin Diesel.
35. Vin Diesel can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
36. Vin Diesel can kill two stones with one bird.
37. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Vin Diesel”.
38. Vin Diesel can speak braille.
39. Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Vin Diesel needs toothpicks.
40. Vin Diesel can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
41. Vin Diesel counted to infinity - twice.
42. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Vin Diesel was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
43. In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Vin Diesel”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Vin Diesel.
44. Vin Diesel and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
45. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Vin Diesel can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
46. Vin Diesel became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
47. Love does hurts. But not as much as Vin Diesel.
48. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Vin Diesel jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
49. In an emergency, Vin Diesel can be used as a floatation device.
50. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Vin Diesel is looking for it.
51. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Vin Diesel a giant meteor.
52. James Cameron wanted Vin Diesel to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
53. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Vin Diesel.
54. No matter what your mother always said, Vin Diesel can tune a fish.
55. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Vin Diesel roundhouse kick.
56. Not everyone that Vin Diesel is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
57. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
58. Vin Diesel died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell .
59. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
60. Little known medical fact: Vin Diesel invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
61. Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Vin Diesel beats all 3 at the same time.
63. Police label anyone attacking Vin Diesel as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
64. Once a cobra bit Vin Diesel’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
65. Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Vin Diesel fight.
66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Vin Diesel *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
67. Vin Diesel has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
68. Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
69. Vin Diesel can tie his shoes with his feet.
70. Vin Diesel is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
71. Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Vin Diesel likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
72. Vin Diesel doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
73. Vin Diesel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
74. Simply by pulling on both ends, Vin Diesel can stretch diamonds back into coal.
75. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Vin Diesel asks for a body bag.
76. Vin Diesel does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
77. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Vin Diesel gets too hot.
78. Vin Diesel does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Vin Diesel goes killing.
79. The Bible was originally titled “Vin Diesel and Friends”
80. The easiest way to determine Vin Diesel’s age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Vin Diesel.
81. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Vin Diesel’s house one Christmas.
82. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Vin Diesel didn’t kill you in your sleep.
83. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Vin Diesel pajamas.
84. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Vin Diesel glare will liquefy your kidneys.
85. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Vin Diesel.
86. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
87. The end result of the game “Clue” is always the same: Vin Diesel was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
88. The First rule of Vin Diesel is: you do not talk about Vin Diesel.
89. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Vin Diesel out. It failed miserably.
90. Vin Diesel is the only one who can “try this at home.”
91. Staring at Vin Diesel for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
92. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Vin Diesel come off without a hitch.
93. Vin Diesel irons his clothes while he’s wearing them.
94. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Vin Diesel played in second grade.
95. The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Vin Diesel in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
96. The last man who made eye contact with Vin Diesel was Ray Charles.
97. The square root of Vin Diesel is pain. Do not try to square Vin Diesel, the result is death.
98. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Vin Diesel’s fist.
99. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Vin Diesel.
100. For Vin Diesel, every street is “one way”. His way.

48 "Musts" in Narcotics Anonymous as found in the Basic Text
1. "Everything that occurs in the course of N.A. service MUST be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers."- pg. XVI
2. "We MUST always remember that as individual members, groups, and service committees we are not and should never be in competition with each other." pg. XVI
3. "We MUST face our problems and our feelings." - pg. 15
4. "We are people with the disease of addiction who MUST abstain from all drugs in order to recover." -pg. 18
5. "A second admission MUST be made before our foundation is complete." pg. 21 Explanation: It is not enough to admit that we are powerless over drugs, we MUST also admit that our lives had become unmanageable.
6. "We MUST be done with the past and not cling to it." - pg. 28'
7. "Assets MUST also be considered, if we are to get an accurate and complete picture of ourselves." - pg. 28
8. "Although He already knows, the admission MUST come from our own lips to be truly effective. Step five is not simply a reading of step four." - pg. 31
9. & 10. "We MUST carefully choose the person who is to hear our fifth step.' We MUST make sure that they know what we are doing and why we are doing it." - pg. 31
11. "We MUST be exact." - pg. 32
12. " We MUST realize that we are not perfect." - pg. 3 5
13. "Our experience tells us that we MUST become willing before this step will have any effect." - pg. 36 (step eight)
14. "We MUST separate what was done to us from what we did to others." - pg. 37
15. "As with each step we MUST, be thorough." - pg. 38
16. "We MUST remember the pain that they have known." - pg. 40
17. " It is said that for meditation to be of value, the results MUST show in our daily lives." - pg. 46
18. "We MUST give freely and gratefully that which has been freely and gratefully given to us." - pg. 47
19. "Our disease involved much more than just using drugs, so our recovery MUST involve much more than simple abstinence." -  53
20. "We MUST give up this old concept and face the fact that reality and life go on, whether we choose to accept them or not." -  53
21. & 22. "When we are prepared, we MUST try out our newly found way of life.  We learn the program won't work when we try to adapt it to our life. We MUST learn to adapt our life to the program." - pg. 55
23. "Unity is a MUST in Narcotics Anonymous." - pg. 60
24. "We MUST live and work together as a group to ensure that in a storm our ship does not sink and our members do not perish." -  60
25. "We MUST be constantly on guard that our decisions are truly an expression of God's will." - pg. 61
26. "An atmosphere of recovery in our groups is one of the most valued assets, and we MUST guard it carefully, lest we lose it to politics and personalities."- pg. 61
27. "We MUST remember that officers have been Placed in trust that we are trusted servants, and that at no time do any of us govern."  61
28. "Our Sixth Tradition tells us some of the things we MUST do to preserve and protect our primary purpose." - pg. 66
29. "We MUST first understand what N.A. is. Narcotics Anonymous is addicts who have the desire to stop using, and have joined together to do so." - pg. 70
30. "In order to achieve our spiritual aim, Narcotics Anonymous MUST be known and respected." - pg. 71
31. "To improve ourselves takes effort and since there is no way in the world to graft a new idea on a closed mind, an opening MUST be made somehow." - pg. 75
32. "We MUST relearn many things that we have forgotten and develop a new approach to life if we are to survive." - pg. 77
33. "We realize we MUST do something." - pg. 78 (read the prior sentences)
34. "When we feel the old urges come over us, we think there MUST be something wrong with us, and that other people in Narcotics Anonymous couldn't possibly understand." - pg. 79
35. "We come here powerless and the power that we seek comes to us through other people in Narcotics Anonymous, but we MUST reach out for it." - pg. 79
36. "Recovery found in Narcotics Anonymous MUST come from within, and no one stays clean for anyone but themselves." - pg. 80
37. "if we have relapsed it is important to keep in mind that we MUST get back
to meetings as soon as possible." - pg. 80
38. "We MUST totally surrender ourselves to the program." - pg. 81
39. "We MUST use what we learn or we will lose it in a relapse." - pg. 81
40. "We MUST, use what we learn or we will lose it, no matter how long we have been clean." - pg. 82
41. "Eventually we are shown that we MUST get honest or we will use again." - pg. 82
42. "We MUST smash the illusion that we can do it alone." - pg. 82
43. "Staying clean MUST always come first." - pg. 82
44. "Some things we MUST accept, others we can change." - pg. 92
45. "We MUST be willing to do whatever is necessary to recover." - pg. 93
46. "We never know when the time will come when we MUST put forth all the effort and strength we have just to stay clean." - pg. 93
47. "No matter how painful life's tragedies can be for us, one thing is clear we MUST not use no matter what!" - pg. 98
48. "In order to receive we MUST be willing to give." - pg. 102